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Hell is in Your Head

by Senses Fail

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1.
I’ve been living like a shadow Disappearing with the sun My life has always been a struggle I know I’m not the only one I never got to say goodbye, it’s like you’re still alive I hear your voice at night sometimes but it’s only in my mind We only have so much time left You never know when you’ll take your last breath What happens when the current closes? Will I see you in the wings? Will we walk out of the exit as the siren starts to sing? “I never got to say goodbye, it’s like you’re still alive. I send smoke into the atmosphere in hopes you’ll see the sign” (“Love your children like a fire, be their sacred oxygen”)
2.
My cousin hung himself in the back yard from a tree My uncle drank himself to death There is always blood deep beneath the roots that we bury The fruit has been rotten from the seed My Grandpa sank somewhere in the South China Sea in 1943, he never talked about to me I was born from pain and I never had a chance in hell to be anything but this family disease I’ll help you break these chains Its the end of the world and all we have left are memories of the love that we kept So darling don’t be afraid there is nothing to fear even when Im gone I’ll always be near At the end of the world I promise I will be there My father told me that he never should have had kids My mother is a narcissist I promise that my pain won’t be your coffin nail I promise that I’ll heal for you and I’ll sew up all these open wounds I’ll do it all for you The ache of my youth is killing me I promise to heal to find a remedy I’ve been poisoned and I’ve been cursed but when I look into your eyes I see the Universe Its the end of the world and all we have left are memories of the love that we kept So darling don’t be afraid there is nothing to fear even when Im gone I’ll always be there
3.
Today is the anniversary of the day that you should have been born Nobody ever taught me healthy habits or how to mourn Standing by the ocean I have waded/waited with your ashes scattering I’m throwing salt into the sea The burden of your death like a boulder on my chest, a wet blanket keeping me just warm enough to stay a live but still suffering Emptiness is all I can feel There’s nothing in this world that feels real I cannot stop obsessive thoughts fixated on what I have lost How will I ever learn to heal? The birds still sing the cemetery and the flowers still bloom How do I bury someone that I never even got to know I will circle my self in salt and burn incense to preserve this sense of fleeting innocence I just want my mental health to be my greatest wealth I don’t ever want to be this low again I try so hard to not be aware that everyone I love can disappear I hear footsteps in the night I swear I see your face I clutch the clothes that we bought for you that you’ll never wear
4.
I Am Error 03:52
I’ve never felt more alone than in a crowded room waiting on the air to pollenate and bloom We wear the wounds of childhood for life but that doesn’t mean we have to suffer just to survive All I want is clarity No matter what I do you’ll grow away from me I love you more than I have ever loved myself Ive got to change that if Im to give you ever thing I never had This aching nerve is stretching towards sun I’ve got this baggage in my lungs, I don’t want to pass it down to you I’ve got to heal these open wounds to save you Only love will save us Only love can change us We’ve gotta wade into the river where we let go of the aching in our souls Only love will save us And how cruel is life that we have to lose what we love? And how much we miss our innocence. Did it ever exist? I can’t stop this recurring dream where my childhood house is burning and you’re trapped on the second story I keep trying to climb the nearest tree but the branches keep on breaking I swear that you won’t suffer like me Only will save you Only love can save you
5.
All my heroes have died at the end of a rope petrified So what does that mean for me cause I’ve been mining for salt in an empty sea I’ve been reading my horoscope hoping it will help me cope Will this anxiety always have its hold on me? So I’ll dive down into hell, don’t bother wishing me well I left my heart inside the ocean of you I set fire to the sail I let my lungs fill up I’m choking on you There’s no way I’ll get away This connection feels like it’s too much but that’s just the price you pay for love So I’ll dive down into hell, don’t bother wishing me well I always listen to sad songs in the morning so it gets better than this When the sun comes up I can see the faults and fill them in “The darker the night the brighter the stars The deeper the grief the closer you are to God” What is Hell? It’s being unable to love.
6.
All I have is a memory of who you were. The lilacs drip in winter rain the thunder always calls your name The tumble graves where ravens wait as the lighting fades “These fragments I have shored against my ruins, I’ve gone mad” Your soul echoes in the night Your love echoes in my life And if I ended this would I get to see your face somewhere in the light? I taste the grief like mercury its a sour stone I swallow coal to dull the ache on broken legs I accept my fate The daisies grow in the shade of graves as the lighting paves On the road to eternity I hear my ancestors calling me We went to your empty house and sort through your things I kept the pictures of your wedding day and the paintings that you made And though it may seem like your gone you’ll always live in me The love I give my daughter is the love that you gave me All I want it is to be cured Your soul lets go Your soul echoes in my life
7.
Miles to Go 03:11
Im gonna dig a hole from Los Angeles to New York and we’ll escape this East Coast winter for the warmth And those were nice ideas in our roaring twenties but now Im pushing daisies suffocated by my thirties Its only getting worse and we’re all getting older The ice caps are melting And the bees are disappearing The polar bears are dying sometimes I wonder why we’re even trying It’s racing through my mind, “we’re running out of time.” I just want to fall in love more I always said Id rather be poor than unhappy and that’s still true But everywhere I look is a reminder of the things I can’t afford to do Got to save enough money so I can retire Gotta drink enough water so I can perspire Somedays I can barely fucking brush my teeth, I haven’t changed my clothes in a week The world is on fire and the president’s a liar There’s plastic in the Pacific that will never expire So what the fuck am I supposed to do? When I can barely get out of bed There’s already so much hell in my head Im already filled with such doom The Earth is on fire, it all feels so hopeless but all I can do is love you with all my soul “The woods are lovely dark and deep but I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep”
8.
God, Send the meteor cause Ive had enough of this and Id like to see some good ole fashioned wrathful Testament Why is it so hard to try to be open to eyes that are not yours in shoes you’ve never walked in? When I heard you were dying I have to admit that I felt a bit of sympathy but then you open your mouth and confirmed to me that you’re a piece of shit and I’m glad you’re suffering. I’m not sorry, I’m not fucking sorry, Im not sorry anymore. There’s a special place in hell for you, Im sure they’ve got your number at the door. When I was young I used to hate myself because bigots like you were given pedestals. You proselytize in the name of religion but it’s all for show you’re gonna be locked out of heaven. There is no repenting, there is no coming back. You’re going to hell with a mark on your back where you’ll fry like a saint but unlike Joan of Arc you’re not worth the piss to put out the spark. You spend your whole life trying to make others feel bad for things they can’t control. And now you’re dying clinging on to all the things you tell yourself but you know in your soul, you will be forgotten. You will be forgotten like the snow and the ice while basking in a warm summer sun.
9.
I spend so much of my precious time worrying about how Im going to die If I could just focus that energy I would be a billionaire or a famous astrophysicist Instead Im writing the same boring songs about suffering The older I get the hard it gets Im crippled by my anxiety I never thought that Id be a father. I hope my neurosis ain’t a bother Some days it feels like I’m failing. My therapist says that it’s normal. She made her diagnosis formal, I can’t connect like a normal person because of all my pain There’s no road map that I can give to you Just hold on tight and know that I love you The first six months they flew by the next two years did to Now Im looking at old photos and it feels like Im losing you No matter what I do you’ll grow away from me but I signed up for this tragedy I want to make sure you know you’ll always be enough I want to make sure your hair is never tied in knots I want to walk you down any aisle anywhere I just want to live long enough God Im scared Im so unprepared Its so unfair God Im scared I gotta keep it together A husband has gotta be better A father has gotta be weather I gotta keep it together like a basement in the storm but Im floating in the ether like a feather when the siren starts to roar. I will always be your shelter but the storm will someday come but you can always find me in the way you choose to love. I gotta keep it together You are the light that leads me home What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I always feel like Im dying? God will it ever stop? Someone please make it stop Someone please help me Im not gonna make it Ive been spending so much of my precious time worrying about how my friends will die instead of actually hanging out with them. I catalog all of my physical symptoms just in case there is something Im missing. From what I can tell I think I have a disease. The older I get the hard it gets Im crippled by my anxiety I waste so much of my life wondering if this world is nothing but suffering Im crumbling like clay into dirt hoping for water but praying for worse. If I should bloom then I’ll wither The only time I get warmth is when I shiver
10.
How much longer can I do this? How much longer will anyone care? Ive been waiting my whole life for the other shoe to disappear Im doing my best to keep it together so my daughter never has to worry I just wonder when this will all blow up in my face Im sorry that I leave but I promise to always come home This would all be easier if I could just believe in God but I would rather bet that eternity is the love I show my daughter. Ive been trying to keep to together. I even found a new therapist. Its not my child’s problem to clean up my mess. I promise my darling I’m doing my best. Im sorry that I’m broken I promise you I’ll be whole again Im sorry
11.

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released July 15, 2022

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